Tag Archives: grief

Three funerals … we need a wedding!

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Little Birdie is only eight months old and already she has been to three funerals. First, we lost my Grandma when LB was only a new born. Then, when she was six months old, we lost a dear friend in a tragic accident. Now, we’ve lost my uncle to cancer.

Grief is an unpleasant experience at the best of times, but it is somewhat more confusing now that I am a parent. On the one hand, I have some distance, because I’m busy looking after a baby and I don’t have time to be self indulgent and dwell on my own feelings too much. In a way, that spares some of the pain. On the other hand, it’s a problem, because you don’t have time to process the situation. I certainly found that at my dear uncle’s funeral on Monday; when the realisation that he was gone hit me like a sledgehammer during the service.

At all three funerals, as awkward as it was negotiating the event with a baby, I was very glad she was there. More than one person has commented that LB represents the cycle of life and I know my uncle’s family is focusing on her in an effort to distract themselves from the thought that he won’t be with them for Christmas. She was also a good talking point as you speak to people in those awkward conversations that you tend to have at funerals. It is also true that you are never alone once you become a parent and it was nice to have a little person to cuddle through a very sad day.

The deaths of these three important people in my life have really made me reflect on parenting and relationships. My Grandma wasn’t always the best mother or grandmother herself, but I really appreciated her. She was very witty and very intelligent. Even at 90, she was razor sharp. Visiting her in the old person’s home was also one of the few trips out of the house I could manage with a minimum of stress when LB was first born. In those days, LB cried pretty much all day long, but the elderly people at the home didn’t seem to mind hearing a crying infant in the halls. Instead, everyone seemed to embrace the hope that a new life represents. I would sit in the corner of Grandma’s room breastfeeding and I was comfortable, because Grandma was a nurse and I knew she didn’t mind if I breastfed as I chatted to her. She also reveled in the chance to show off her first great-grandchild to the nurses as they passed in and out of the room. Grandma was in terrible pain from a broken hip towards the end and I like to think that our little visits offered her comfort in some way in those final days.

A few weeks ago, the husband of one of my best girlfriends was killed in a road accident on the way to work. It was tragic, totally unexpected and incredibly sad, because he left behind a beautiful wife and three precious children. He was a genuinely good, good man; a supportive husband, a good provider and a loving father. He had been a part of my life for fourteen years, and it seemed like we would all be friends well into old age. He was special, because together with his wife, he was generous with his time and his friendship. His passing shook us and made us all realize how short our time together can be and how fragile life is. When we got the news, my husband was on a business trip interstate. Alongside the grief we felt for the loss of a dear friend, was a realization that the same thing could easily happen to us, bringing our marriage to an end and robbing LB of a parent. It has taught me to really value what I have and to make the most of every moment, because you really never know when things can change.

However, the loss of a loved one also makes you grateful for the time that you did spend with them. Last week, I lost my uncle. He was a remarkably warm, gentle, generous and sentimental man, with a marvellous sense of humour. Not much got past him. He was rent-a-crowd in my life, there for nearly every major event, always positive, proud and encouraging. He was a wonderful father and grandfather to his family and a well-liked man in the community. At least a couple of hundred people turned out for his funeral and it was quite an event, lasting most of the day. My relationship with my own father has always been a difficult one, but my uncle was always there, showing me what a good father can be like. I was certainly cognisant of that when I met my husband for the first time, noting some similar traits. It was reassuring and helped me to know that I was choosing a good man with whom to spend the rest of my life.

So, unfortunately, it has been a year tinged with grief but also a year where I have come to appreciate my family and friends and the precious time I have with them. However, as much as it is good to try to find some positives in this sad year, I think we’ve been to enough funerals for now. LB isn’t even nine months old yet. I think it’s time for a wedding instead. Now, I just need someone in my life to get engaged!

So what is it then?

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It seems we have a mystery on our hands. Recently, we took Little Birdie (LB) on her first holiday to the beach. We were having a lovely time, but it was a little bit cold for the first couple of days, even though it is Spring here. So, we hadn’t had a chance to take LB for her first swim in the pool yet. On our second last day, however, an opportunity presented itself.

I was very excited. As always, I was conscious of preserving LB’s routine so that she could have her naps but the week had been going unexpectedly well in that respect. I made a plan to take her for a swim straight after breakfast, so that she wasn’t exposed to too much sun. I was also a little concerned about LB getting enough protein, so decided to give her some scrambled egg for breakfast. Her daddy made a lovely egg, while I put some sunscreen on LB. Her Daddy then fed LB the egg, but she wasn’t too impressed. She had eaten scrambled egg once before and had consumed most of it but this time she wasn’t having a bar of it. I made her a second breakfast of cereal, yoghurt and banana instead and she was much happier. I then put her on the play mat while I got dressed nearby.

It was then that things took a turn for the worst. I was distracted by my joy at having dropped a dress size, allowing me to don a swimsuit I hadn’t worn since my mid twenties. I pranced out to show my husband when I noticed LB was making a quiet little mewing noise on her play mat. I thought she must be over-tired and felt disappointed that our swim plans were about to go awry. However, it was worse than that. I picked her up to comfort her and noticed her face was swollen and blotchy. I carried her into the main bedroom, calling for my husband. I pulled off LB’s little suit to find she was bright red and covered in rash and hives from the shoulders up. By this time, the swelling on her face was getting worse. My husband came in, took one look at LB and told me to call the ambulance.

It took twenty minutes for the ambulance to arrive but luckily for us, LB kept breathing the whole time. By the time the ambulance arrived, LB’s reaction had started to calm, although she still looked dreadful. She was very good-natured about the whole thing, sitting up on my lap looking so tiny and vulnerable in just her nappy and singlet. We made a game of having her vital signs checked, and she seemed very amused by the whole thing. The ambulance officers suggested that we put a cool compress on her and the reaction begin to abate. We didn’t need to give her any medication in the end and we decided not to take her to hospital. Instead, I rang our local doctor back home after the ambulance left and they advised us to get some antihistamine.

My husband and I felt very fragile for the rest of the day. We didn’t want to let LB out of our sight! It was terrifying to put her down for a nap, because I couldn’t keep an eye on her while she was in her bed without waking her. I’ve since been told that we probably should have taken her to hospital for observation, but the medical staff we worked with at the time didn’t suggest that we do so. Apparently, there is a risk of a delayed reaction a few hours later. Luckily, it all work out for the best and we finished our holiday and headed home the next day.

It is now almost three weeks later and we have been to see an allergist. This is where the mystery kicks in. LB had a patch test for all the common allergens that affect babies her age and didn’t react to any of them! The allergist said we may have gotten a false negative or she may already have grown out of the allergy. It is also possible that she reacted to something else in the holiday unit. However, for now, we have been advised to live as though she has an egg allergy and we’ll try her on egg again when she’s older under more controlled conditions.

We’ve had so much grief lately, with the death of a dear friend’s husband and my uncle being diagnosed with terminal cancer, that this incident made us very aware of the fleeting nature of life and how vulnerable LB is. All parents have to deal with medical emergencies from time to time but that doesn’t make it any easier. The whole incident was a stark reminder that life is precious and we should treasure every day we have together as a family. It also goes to show how, in such a short time, you realize that you can’t imagine life with this little person who has become the centre of your world.

I will include a link to some information on egg allergy from the Sydney Children’s Hospital for anyone who is interested: http://www.sch.edu.au/health/factsheets/joint/?egg_allergy.htm

A Real Bundle of Joy

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Little Birdie (LB) is only seven months old and already she’s been to two funerals but I’m so glad she was there.  That might seem a strange statement to make, but in amongst all the struggles we’ve had with bubby’s reflux, her unsettled nature and her sleep problems, some of her brightest moments have been at our saddest.

When my grandmother fell and broke her hip at 90 years old, LB was only a week old. Grandma’s last weeks were filled with pain, but a trip to visit her in the retirement home was one of the few trips out I could manage with a newborn. As a former nurse, Grandma didn’t mind at all if I sat in the corner and fed the baby while I was talking to her. Meanwhile, the incongruous sound of a crying newborn in the halls of the home brought curious stares and smiles from the other elderly residents. Grandma was in so much pain, yet she enjoyed seeing LB so much. It made me feel so good to be able to bring her a small joy in her last days.

Likewise, the death of my dear friend’s husband brought us all to our knees a month ago. My heart was breaking so much for her and after the funeral it was a struggle to know what to say. However, I knew I just wanted to give her the biggest possible hug and not let go. I waited for the moment and as I hugged my friend, I honestly didn’t know if I could let go, but I didn’t need to worry. As I wrapped my arms around her, my friend looked over my shoulder and saw LB and a smile spread across her face. Even in that terrible moment, LB was able to bring a few seconds of joy in the darkest of spaces.

We had another sad day today as we went to visit my uncle, who has terminal cancer. As we drove out to the country town where he lives, I told my husband I wasn’t going to dwell on what we were about to encounter but, again, I need not have worried. It was shocking to see my uncle’s gaunt figure as we arrived. However, it was a pleasant morning as we sat in the lounge room drinking tea and watching LB play on the mat in the middle. We even managed to get a few happy snaps before we left. I’m sure we will treasure those couple of photos in years to come. However, LB really came into her own as we were leaving. She really seemed to take to my aunt during the visit and my aunt picked her up for a little cuddle just as we were leaving. Uncharacteristically, LB was quite relaxed and decided to start kissing my aunty on the nose. For a woman who is having a really tough time at the moment caring for her ailing husband, it was a delightful moment and it was certainly a precious moment for me to watch.

As I’ve struggled through a difficult seven months as a new mother, there have been times when I’ve wondered (as much as I adore my daughter) whether things would ever improve. I’ve truly been pushed to the edge this year but days like today remind me that I’ve been blessed with a real bundle of joy.